Distraction, please!

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February 3, 2014 by theboringlifeofsteph

I think the reason I’m looking forward to going back to Uni so much is for the distraction of everyday life. 

Lately I’ve been hating myself so much, and it seems to be getting worse. I don’t even know why I hate myself so much.

I don’t feel good enough for anything. I feel like I can’t do anything well enough. I’m under so much stress because of money. Not to mention I’ve become really jealous of people with money….well, not people with lots of money, just people that can afford to pay for rent, bills (etc) and still have money left over at the end of the day.

I’m going to Bali in 5 days, and I’m super excited, but at the same time I feel really selfish and feel like I should be helping my parents pay for bills and every-day life. I’ve tried telling myself that I have worked hard for this, but still I always feel selfish and guilty.

I can’t be bothered with many people anymore. I’ve lost half of my friends by my own doing, and don’t really keep in contact with the other half (again, by my own doing). I have no motivation. I feel like all I do is go to work, come home, then sleep. I want to do more, but don’t have the motivation. Honestly, I just want to stay in bed all day, but know if I do, I would just hate myself even more.

I feel bad because I feel like I’m complaining too much. I should be grateful. I could have it worse.

I’ve noticed I’m a lot angrier lately. Driving around has made me realise this (I don’t have patience for stupid drivers like I used to).

I’m finding myself stressed about almost every aspect of my life. I’ve quietly become jealous and feel more than ever that Josh deserves someone better, but God knows what I would do without him.

Everything in my head is going mental, and I’m in a constant state of just wanting to throw up.